


Nightmares & Teddy Bears

by Chibi_Chrissy



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 15:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1749725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chibi_Chrissy/pseuds/Chibi_Chrissy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua's having a nightmare, and Gon thinks he has something that could help his best friend</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares & Teddy Bears

**Author's Note:**

> So this takes place in Gon's home on Whale Island, at night in Gon's room.
> 
> Warnings for mentions of Death & Suicide, but it does get fluffy towards the end, I promise

He looked down, his hands covered in red, he could feel his heart racing in his chest. There was a deep ache there as well, a hurt he had never experienced before. His breathing was coarse, getting harder to maintain by the second.    
   
He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to have any part in what was happening. It wasn’t his fault, he never wanted this, but it was forced onto him. If he was stronger maybe this wouldn't have had to happen, if he was stronger maybe he could find the power to stop it, but he wasn't strong. He wasn’t strong at all.   
   
"You did well, Kill" The voice broke through the silence, that toneless voice. It was the same voice he heard in his head constantly. Not only did it haunt his dreams, but it haunted his waking reality as well.    
   
He looked away from where the voice originated from, not feeling the stomach to look his brother in the eye. A cold slender hand placed itself on his right shoulder, and he felt his body shiver, and a involuntary cringe come over him from the touch.   
   
"I’m so proud of you, Kill, I always knew you would do it some day" A deep frown came over his face at the compliment. Another hand placed itself on the opposite shoulder. "We’ve always had great expectations for you, Kill" the toneless voice continued, although he couldn’t agree less.   
   
"Don’t touch me" he tried to shout, but it came out as a low whisper. He had lost all will, the will to defend himself, even the will to live after what he had done.    
   
A low chuckle was the response, and a tightening of the hands on his shoulders. He couldn’t keep his emotions in check anymore, and he felt tears finally start to roll down his cheeks, escaping after a long fought battle to keep them inside.    
   
"Why are you crying, Kill? You should have known this was coming. I told you this would happen, eventually." The hands on his shoulders were tighter, hurting him now.

He could hear his own deep breaths, he was trying to maintain any amount of composure he had left. “I-I said let go” again his words coming out in a whisper. The tears were starting to come out more steadily now, falling onto his shirt.    
   
"I’m just here to help you, Kill. You never needed him, he only held you back. I’m the only one you need. Remember that" He couldn’t look away, powerless as he watched his brother kneel down to his level, black and dark lifeless eyes looking into his blue tear stained ones.    
   
He felt so weak. So powerless. It’s like he had no control over his own life. Or maybe he never really did. He had told himself so many times that he would protect his best friend, had he just been lying to himself? He never imagined hurting his best friend, and yet there he is. His lifeless body bleeding beside him. He wanted to die with him.   
   
His brother let go of the grip on his shoulders, and he hadn’t realized that they were the only things keeping him upright. He dropped to his knees as soon as he was let go.   
   
He felt like he was going to suffocate. He couldn't get enough air to his lungs, everything was hurting. His head, his chest, his heart, nothing was right anymore.     
   
He made a horrible mistake. He looked over to where the body lay. The blood was everywhere, staining the white shirt and green shorts his friend wore. His eyes were closed, and he looked oddly peaceful, like he was asleep, although Killua knew he wasn't sleeping.   
   
Tears dropped onto the ground in front of him, and he felt himself choking. He raised his hand to his chest, and contemplated putting his own hand right through his heart.    
   
"You didn’t need him, Kill. Remember that. You were never meant to have friends. You were only meant to have me." he couldn’t stand the voice anymore. What’s worse is that he believe it. He must not have been meant to have friends. Nobody would betray their friend, their best friend, like he had done. He couldn’t call himself Gon’s friend.   
   
"I don’t want to live anymore.." His voice higher, he found it difficult to talk now, his throat feeling so tight. He told Gon he would follow him anywhere, and that was one last promise he thought he could keep.   
   
He raised his right hand, nails sharpening and growing longer. It always hurt pretty bad when he did this, but he didn’t feel the pain this time. He didn’t feel anything now. He felt so empty. So lifeless. Like the boy laying on the floor next to him.    
   
He raised his hand to his throat, pressing the nails against his neck, a drop of blood spilling out as the sharp nails cut the skin where they pressed tightly against his skin.    
   
"Kill, what do you think you’re doing?" His brothers voice sounded the same as ever. Not even a hint of real concern. He was glad though, he didn’t want any from him. He hated him. If he was stronger he would kill him first, but he knew it wasn’t worth trying. Instead he would do the next best thing.    
   
He took one last look at Gon, and smiled softly. ‘ _wait for me, Gon_ ’    
   
His sharp nails pierced the pale skin of his neck.   
   
" **Killua, Killua!** " He heard the familiar voice calling out, everything was starting to turn black. He thought he would feel cold, but he felt oddly warm. It felt like he was under a warm blanket, the blood pooling around his body.    
   
" **Killua, wake up!** " The voice continued, yelling out his name. He smiled.    
' _Gon.._ ' He was glad his last thoughts would be about his.. best friend.   
 

* * *

 

Gon woke, quickly sitting up in the bed. He turned to look at his friend sleeping right by his side, a frown coming over his face as he saw Killua crying, his hands gripping the sheets tightly in his sleep. 

   
' _Killua's having another nightmare_ ' He realized it quickly. It had been happening a lot, ever since he had managed to reunite with his best friend after Killua had been forced back to his home.   
   
Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night and hear Killua talking softly in his sleep. It sounded like he was upset, and arguing in his dreams, and he would always grip the sheets tightly next to him.   
   
Sometimes he would hear Killua whimper a bit, or let out weird noises. He had also seen Killua thrash his head around wildly some nights, until he would eventually stop.    
   
He had never brought it up, he didn’t know how to, or what to say to Killua. Usually he watched, and waited silently for Killua to stop, and then returned to his own sleep.    
   
Tonight was different though, a lot different. Killua was crying, tears coming out of the corner of his eyes which were held tightly shut. He was gripping his sheets, and Gon had heard his name being called a few times in little whimpers in Killua’s sleep.    
   
He had never seen Killua cry in his sleep before, and it worried him a lot. He couldn’t just sit there silently this time. No matter how embarrassed he might make Killua, he decided to wake him up this time, and finally try and talk to his friend about the nightmares that seemed to plague his dreams.   
   
He tried to wake Killua, calling out his name.   
   
"Killua" He called out, and waited a moment. Killua didn’t wake, but his grip on the sheets got tighter. Gon frowned, calling out his name again.    
   
"Killua!" He said, louder, almost yelling now. Still nothing, he finally decided he would have to use a bit of force to wake Killua up from the bad dream. Leaning over, he put two hands on Killua’s shoulders, and started shaking him.   
   
"Killua, wake up!" He yelled, continuing to shake the crying boy.    
   
Suddenly his friends eyes shot open, the blue eyes a little red, and stained with hot tears.    
   
Gon was taken by surprise when Killua moved swiftly, knocking Gon over back onto his side of the bed. Killua sat up quickly, hands still gripping the sheets of the bed, eyes wide open as he looked around the room, as if he wasn't sure where he was.    
   
"Killua?" Gon called out, his voice soft, almost as if he was scared he might scare Killua further.    
   
”..Gon?” Killua responded, saying his name just as softly, turning towards his friend. Killua raised a hand and touched his cheek, feeling the warm tears that had been falling down them a moment ago.   
   
Gon had sat back up, and tried to smile a bit, hoping he could somehow calm Killua down a bit.    
   
"Sorry for waking you up, Killua.. but I was worried, you were crying and saying my name in your sleep... and you were holding the sheets really tightly, I thought you were in trouble" Gon said, watching as Killua slowly came to the realization that he had been dreaming.   
   
‘ _it was just a dream_ ' Killua felt himself smile softly, wiping the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his pajama shirt, blinking a couple of times and looking back at Gon.   
   
"s-sorry, I.. it was just a bad dream" Killua replied with a blush on his cheeks. He felt so dumb, waking Gon up just because of a nightmare, now he felt like he ruined both of their nights.   
   
Gon gave him a soft smile. “You have a lot of bad dreams Killua.. all the time, I always hear you in your sleep” Gon said with a concerned look on his face, watching as Killua wiped the tears from his eyes.    
   
Killua felt pretty terrible now, just how many times had he woken Gon up in the middle of the night?    
   
"Sorry, Gon, these dreams are so dumb.. I didn’t mean to wake you up all the time" Killua apologized, hoping Gon wouldn’t be too annoyed at his dumb crying in the middle of the night. He couldn’t believe had hadn’t known how much this was effecting Gon, he wouldn’t have slept right next to him if he knew he was keeping him up at night.    
   
Gon’s soft concerned smile never left his face, he couldn’t imagine why Killua was apologizing for something he had no control over.   
   
"You don’t have to apologize, Killua. We're best friends, right? I’m here to help you, even when you have a nightmare" Gon said with a soft reassuring smile.  
   
Killua felt himself blush even more, Gon was always so direct, sometimes painfully so.    
   
A moment of silence passed, and Gon spoke again.    
   
"You know.. maybe talking about it might help? You could tell me Killua, no matter what it is" Gon tried to get Killua to open up about the experience, maybe he could help his friend better if he knew exactly what Killua dreamed of that caused him so much trouble in his sleep.   
   
Killua’s face quickly turned into a frown. The last thing he wanted to do was tell Gon about his nightmares. They were horrible, something that he couldn’t even deal with, and he wasn’t about to put that kind of stress onto his friend who was already being kept awake at night by it.    
   
"Gon.. can we just drop it? I really don’t want to talk about it" Killua said in a soft voice, looking down at the bed sheets. He wasn’t able to look Gon in the eyes, knowing Gon would be able to tell just how troubled he felt about the whole situation just by looking at him.   
   
Gon was silent for a few moments, and surprisingly enough to Killua, he let the subject drop.   
   
"Alright.. I guess you don’t have to tell me.. but if you ever want to talk about it you can" Gon said, shifting a bit in the bed. Killua felt himself relax a bit, it wasn’t often Gon let things like this go, but he was thankful Gon allowed it tonight.   
   
Killua felt Gon shift around in the bed, and looked over to see Gon pulling back the covers, and slowly getting up and out of the bed.    
   
"Where are you going, Gon?" Killua was worried that Gon might be upset at him, either for waking him up, or for not telling him about his dreams. His worries were quickly put to rest when Gon turned back at him, a smile on his face.   
   
"I just thought of something, give me a second" Gon said as he crouched onto the floor. Killua was curious as to what his friend was up to, and he couldn’t help but lean up in the bed a bit, looking over and down at the floor to see what Gon was trying to do.   
   
He watched Gon lift the covers from the bottom of the bed, so he was able to see under the bed clearly. He then saw Gon reach under, watching as his friend felt around for a few moments, before grabbing something.    
   
"Found it!" Gon said excitedly, pulling something out from under the bed.   
   
Killua watched carefully, wondering what his dark haired friend could possibly have under there.    
   
Gon brought out a wooden box, not too big, but big enough to hold a few items inside it. Killua raised a brow, curious as to what Gon was keeping inside.    
   
Gon held it up, and set it on the bed. He quickly climbed back up, sitting cross legged in front of the box. “Look” Gon said, motioning to the box as he slowly unhooked the hatches that kept it closed.   
   
Killua pulled back his covers, and inched closer to Gon, sitting by his friends side, cross legged just like him. He watched Gon open the wooden box slowly, now eager to know what was inside.   
   
Gon was smiling as the box opened, a bit of dust that had been on top of the box flying into the air. Killua’s eyes widened a bit as he saw the items inside the wooden box for the first time.   
   
Inside the box were a bunch of personal items of Gon’s. A picture of who he assumed was Gon's father holding him when he was just a baby. A picture of him and aunt Mito when he was younger. And another picture of , who he assumed by their hair color, was a younger aunt Mito and Ging, who he noted looked a lot like Gon. They were standing together, their arms around each others shoulders, smiling.   
   
There were also a few small toys. A small wooden ship with a little paper sail, a tiny black dog figure, and a blue toy train.   
   
What stood out most though was a brown stuffed bear.    
   
Killua got a better look at it when Gon reached in, grabbing the stuffed bear, and closed the lid to the wooden box. Gon layed the bear on the bed next to him for a moment as he took a hold of the box and sat it on the floor next to the bed, quickly returning to hold the bear in his hands, in front of Killua.   
   
"This is for you" Gon said, smiling at Killua, as he held the bear in front of his best friends face.    
   
"For me?" Killua asked, unsure of why exactly Gon was giving him gifts, or even what he was supposed to do with it. "Uh-huh!" replied the smiling boy, pushing it closer to the face of Killua.   
   
Killua decided to take the bear in his hands. It was soft, not heavy at all, and felt like it had some kind of stuffing inside that made it feel nice to hold and squeeze a bit. It looked a bit worn out, one of the eyes was replaced and looked different than the other. Killua turned the bear over a moment, also noticing some stitching on the backside of one of the legs. Obviously it was pretty old, and had seen quite a bit of use.   
   
"What’s this for?" Killua asked curiously as he inspected it, turning it over and upside and down, seemingly very interested in the object.    
   
Gon smiled as he watched Killua inspecting his teddy bear quite a bit, hoping the other boy would enjoy it as much as he had. “It’s my teddy bear that aunt Mito gave me when I was really little”   
   
Killua stopped looking over the soft bear in his hands, and looked back at Gon, eyebrows raised a bit. “Why did you give it to me?” Killua asked, wanting further explanation.    
   
Gon looked down at the bear in Killua’s hands for a moment, smiling as he remembered all the times he had held it close, cuddled it, and slept with it.    
 

"I used to have nightmares too, when I was really little, I think Mito called them night terrors or something" Gon began to explain, the room silent for a moment until Gon continued.    
   
"She gave me it, and said if I ever woke up scared in the middle of the night it would be there, and I kept it with me every time I went to sleep" Gon remembered how he had never slept without it, until he left to take the hunter exam.   
   
"I guess I kinda forgot about it, ever since the hunter exam I've had you to sleep next to, so I never felt scared without it" Gon said, smiling a bit more as he noticed Killua blush and look down at the bear in his hands.   
   
"Gon, why do you always have to say embarrassing stuff like that?" Killua felt his cheeks turn pink as Gon mentioned how they always slept right next to each other. It never even embarrassed him until Gon said it out loud.   
   
Gon giggled a bit at Killua’s reaction. “It’s not embarrassing, I really like sleeping with you!” Gon replied, so shamelessly and not feeling at all odd about it, unlike his blushing friend.   
   
"I remembered that I had put it in the box, for safe keeping when I went away, and I thought you could really use it now, Killua" Gon smiled, sincerely hoping his friend would like the teddy bear as much as he did, and hoping Killua would get some help from it like he did too.   
   
Killua felt a little flutter in his chest. He was holding something that Gon had probably slept with every single night since he was a little kid. Somehow, holding an object that had been so close to Gon made him feel really close to Gon as well, and he couldn’t help but hold it tighter, hugging it to himself.   
   
Gon watched with a pleased smile as Killua slowly hugged the soft teddy bear closer, his friend seemed to like it, and he was really happy. Hopefully Killua liked it as much as he did.   
   
A few moments after Killua hugged it closer to his chest, he slowly turned to look back up at his smiling best friend, a small blush still tinting his cheeks.    
   
"Gon.. T-thanks" Killua managed out in a soft voice, he wasn’t feeling as embarrassed right now as much as he was feeling really happy. Here his friend had just handed him something that was so special and close to his heart, and It made Killua feel so happy that Gon was so trusting of him.   
   
Gon just smiled widely at his friends reaction to his teddy bear.

"No problem, Killua, I hope it helps you like it helped me!” Gon replied as he took a hold of the covers, shifting his legs back under them and laying his head back onto the pillows, still facing towards Killua.   
   
Killua slowly did the same, getting under the covers again and letting his head softly hit his pillow once more, facing towards Gon as well.   
   
The two boys smiled softly at each other, their eyes slowly getting heavier once more. Killua held the brown teddy bear up to him, closely, the top of it it’s furry head close enough that he could smell it.   
   
 _'it smells like Gon.."_  Killua thought, feeling his eyes start to slowly close. Gon was already sleeping again, and Killua felt himself slowly falling into another slumber, a small smile on his face.   
   
He felt so safe, next to his best friend Gon, and with the soft teddy bear that smelled just like his friend, too. Killua held it up closer, lowering his head as well, so that the bear was touching his face.    
   
Killua slowly fell into a slumber right next to his best friend, as usual. Except this time he had no nightmare. He only had a soft smile on his face, along with the image of Gon’s smiling face in his mind the rest of the night, as well.  

 


End file.
